"International Relations"

Wait! What about the Governor of Minnesota? . . . Recently the Hanoi mayor met with an American doer, interested in setting up a meeting with the mayor of famous Washington DC. He hoped to promote friendship between the two cities and swap notes on running a capital city. But first the Hanoi mayor wanted to learn about the ideological views and personal activities of his Washington DC counterpart. After hearing about the crack, the prostitution and the jail time, the exploratory committee was hastily dismantled.

In that case, there are spies everywhere . . . Does Hanoi deserve its billing as a nearly forgotten tropical posting? Or perhaps - it is a nest of capitalist spies! Those men in suits chatting in hushed tones at the Metropole bar are possibly not doing business at all, and that has aroused suspicions among some local officials. One young Hanoian, doing a bit of background work on an American man she knows, casually asked a well-connected friend to see if there was a security file on this man. A few days later the friend comes back with the ghastly news that he is a suspected spy for the CIA! Yes, the file reveals, it seems that he has been making frequent trips to Vietnam for many years now. "Supposedly to do business, but so far he hasn't actually even done any business!" recounted the friend knowingly.

So try and learn a few of the basic words, like hello, goodbye and pre-nup . . . Foreign men are marrying Vietnamese women at a fast clip, reports one of the state-run fishwrappers. In Hanoi four such unions take place per week, while in Saigon it's eight a day. The bad news is that divorce rates are keeping pace. Last year the Saigon Court settled 395 cases involving foreign spouses, 40 percent of the nation's total number of legal divorces.

"Hey - I thought WE won!" . . . It comes down to this, shrug Vietnamese hoteliers: learn French or pay a few grand. Or does it? The Francophone convention in November is already much on the minds of hotel owners and their staffs around Hanoi, where the worldwide bi-annual event, directed by the French government, will be hosted this year. The Vietnam Tourism Administration is most taken with the preparations, reportedly charged with assigning various delegations from the four dozen countries in the world with big soft spots for French culture (Somalia, Cambodia, Algeria, you know the M.O.). As the two-week long event gets closer, the tourism board has taken to daily inspections of Hanoi's empty but solicitous hotels. With a certain number of staffers required to speak French, these folks are checking towels and vowels. The inspectors are charged with which hotels are assigned with what fraction of the two thousand or so attendees. Needless to say, they've taken up the business of teaching French lessons - or at least selling certification.

Just being good neighbors . . . For the thousands of flag-waving horn-blasting soccer fans that quickly surrounded the Laotian Embassy in Hanoi one night in mid-October, the Vietnamese squad's performance in the bi-annual Southeast Asia Games seemed to be beside the point. For starters, many were waving the Laotian flag and laying baskets of fruit and flowers. Heavens why? Vietnam's team had lost against Malaysia several nights earlier, and were due to fly home from Jakarta-site of the regional event-unless Laos could beat Malaysia, which would send Vietnam footballers into the semi-finals. Win Laos did, in the final moments of the game. For Laos-Vietnam relations, it was a highlight. A Lao official appeared on the front steps of the Sword Lake area embassy to address the crowd. "This is just one gesture of friendship and solidarity between the Lao and Vietnamese people," he declared, according to bystanders. When Vietnam subsequently lost against Thailand, ending their competition, all was quiet from the diplomat's quarters.

Bless their hearts, they definitely know how to throw a party . . . Hanoi felt like the old days in mid-November when hotels and restaurants filled up for two weeks with 2,000 "Francophone country" dignitaries from lands afar. Chefs running kitchens at two of the biggest local hotels were miffed at freezer space occupied by scaled delicacies imported by prime ministers of several African countries…Cambodian leader Hun Sen kept busy networking for legitimacy on the podium, scribbling furiously in his daily diary…At the height of the conference the French embassy hosted a press conference for Vietnamese journalists and addressed them in French, but mid-way through it became obvious that nobody understood them; lacking a French-Vietnamese translator, the officials were obliged to switch to English…two streets away, Francophone visitors were greeted by a prominent sign posted outside a French funded university in downtown Hanoi: "English classes today, third floor."

All non-French speakers were relieved when the hoopla was over, as official Vietnamese television, which broadcast French television throughout the two-week conference, switched back to satellite MS-NBC…But just when frazzled local automakers (like Ford) thought they could turn to Late Night with Jay Leno's monologue and forget their trouble (that Vietnamese don't buy their cars), they got another lousy newsflash. Those dozens of French Peugeot sedans shipped in, sidestepping that 200 percent import penalty, to cart around delegates? They're now for sale locally. Workers in a domestic auto industry that managed to sell a combined 2,000 autos can't be too pleased. Particularly the Peugeot Vietnam factory.


Why is this funny again? . . . Included in HCMC Amcham's 12-page wish list issued to US negotiators hammering out a trade agreement with Vietnam's Ministry of Trade: "US companies should be permitted to choose their own office and residential quarters without discrimination...The Vietnamese government should not subsidize domestic enterprises that are competing with US-invested enterprises...and the practice of midnight visits by local police should be restricted or eliminated."