Supreme Court:
"No Longer Can Police Discriminate Against Suspicious-Looking People"

The suspicious-looking breath collective sigh of relief

Conducting activities expected to be much easier, for the shifty

From The Archives:

Al-Qaeda Drops Andersen

In related news, the nation's highest court also ruled in favor of Washington D.C. vs. Washington State, agreeing with the capitol's assertion that Washington State's name is in violation of newly established trademark rules.

In a settlement, the former Washington State -- along with Oregon, California, Arizona,  New Mexico and Oklahoma -- agreed to change its name to "Texas."

First Photo of Donald Rumsfeld & Saddam
(courtesy
National Security Archive)

* not satire

Saddam Captured!

Wallet found at bottom of "Spider Hole" -- Baghdad library card, witty yet scary repartee with California governor confirms identity

Return of Democracy, Free Markets and Rule of Law "imminent" Rumsfeld promises the American People in leaked memo

Drooping Dollar Delights
US Exporters

The economist sitting next to me points out that a weak dollar makes US exports more attractive (cheaper) to foreign markets! 
Let's review the TOP 3 exports and their foreign markets (it's interesting, go with it):

Exports to:
France
China
Not France

Exclusive:
On the organic farm with...
Prince Charles
"Genetic manipulation -- it's just wrong"

Bush Speaks on California Recall Election:
"I suggest they narrow it down to a single party, as we've done with the executive and legislative branches there in Washington. "

Terorists Bomb
UN Offices
Jerusalem Civies
Jakarta Marriott
Bush issues swift response from ranch -- "Bomb Iraq!" 

ATM Machines: Criminals Target Banking's "Weak Link!"
NY Times reported Sunday (Aug. 3) That an Albanian- Yugoslavian illegally retained $3.5 million by manipulating NYC ATMs. He was quickly  imprisoned.

However, it is feared that other criminals might target "Banking's weak link" again: Could this outrageous plot force consumers to question the way we bank?

In unrelated news, another $300 million fine was paid last week by America's two largest banks, Citi and J.P. Morgan Chase, for a line of services provided to Enron, which subsequently lost $40 billion in investor money through improper activities (see "Bankrupt Thinking", by Floyd Norris). Banking leaders are "pleased that the public can again trust   banks."

Signalling  Approval, Bush Gives "Starter Cache" of Weapons of Mass Destruction to Newly Appointed Iraqi Government 
"'Welcome!' says US Prez" in WMD Country reception/ fireworks display, held outside Los Alamos

CIA, FBI Once Again Denied Admission to International Association of Professional Intelligence Gatherers
Spy chiefs blame a "single error" for this year's denial to the 143-nation club -- knowing about terrorist plans to fly airplanes into the WTC and letting it slide.

CIA Chief: "We will definitely apply again next year, after all this hooha"

Sweeping Reforms Announced By New York Times
Designed to address  factors behind accusations of corporate wrongdoings at The Times, Publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. announced the paper would be dropping its long-time accounting firm, Andersen, and also appointing an  ombudsman, to fortify its self-regulation process.

These dramatic acts come in response to increasingly shriller calls by critics for separation between The Time's auditing business (reporting) of U.S. and foreign government activities and their more prestigious government consulting practice.

THE NY TIMES Claims to have published articles that are biased, badly-reported, stolen from other newspapers, or just plain false!

- The Onion

White House
Office of Market Management warns business reporters:
"...A one-day rise in stocks is to be refered to as The "New Bull Market."

A three week plunge is heretofore referenced only as "investors take profits." 

Another Black Eye for the New York Times:

The New York Times' recent  140,000 word article demonstrating the false and shoddy reporting by one of its own,  ex-reporter Jayson Blair, was  discovered to have been copied from the Internet.

(For details see Sunday's New York Times, in article by The Times' newest diversity program intern, Ms. Jaysona Blair.)

Hong Kong-Based Airliner Cathay Pacific's New Marketing Slogan:
"Forget about SARS -- hey, more people die each year flying!"

Association of Newspaper Business Editors states official position on false reporting: "Our position is to permit only objective, primary-source reporting, i.e. copying from that day's Wall Street Journal and/or New York Times. When deeper reporting is required, it is our practice to interview a Journal or NYT reporter. The Associated Press can provide a second source, and for the "alternate," or opposite voice, we rely on the BBC."

China Nears Perfection

1. Spitting Banned.
2. Eating Monkeys Banned
3. Citizenry demands, gets, truth from press
4. Cheap great stuff they make gets even cheaper
5. Hong Kong expats help locals

Workingmen to Arms!
Bush rescues
MAY DAY
from the
WorldWide Socialists. Introducing... "Loyalty Day."

French miffed

Pentagon "Shocked" by Iraqi Fighting Tactics

"Shock and awe" was officially registered by dismayed U.S. generals, who are now demanding  economic sanctions against the Iraqi regime for making mockery of  established International Shock-Awe Standards. These generals warn that by continuing this strategy, the Iraqi regime "places itself in grave danger" -- diplomatic code for armed action, or even armed conflict.

Iraqis Celebrate Following Bush Freedom Speech

Residents of Baghdad -- who comprise the dot found in the U.S. military's bulls-eye -- felt renewed and hopeful last night following the historical speech by President George Bush, in which he promised the Iraqi people he would "rid the nation of its terrorist leader."

The mood was celebratory at the Al-Qaza tea shop...
Full Story

U.S. GOVERNMENT SAID TO POSSESS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Accusers point to direct evidence of program dating back to 1945

Bush on Shuttle Explosion:
Bomb Iraq

Bush To Free Alaska
"Too long have Alaska's Oil Patches of Democracy been ruled by Wildlife's nefarious 'Axis of Wilderness,' said President Bush Saturday.

NY Times Glad Transit Strike Averted
Screw this place
"Finally, we can return to our tradition of tallying Middle East killings," proclaim relieved New York Times editors

NJ passes law requiring "child-proofed"  handguns
Child Criminal Rights Groups shocked, outraged

Globalization Primer:
#37 in a series
"Fighting
for Freedom"

U.S. State Department Evacuation Alert
In response to as-yet unsolved attacks on New York, Postal System and NPR's award-seeking series "47 Ways America is Fat and Bad," the U.S. State Department has called for Code Red evacuation.
* *  Planes Sent  * *

McDs Korner



1. Make their Fries...
at your house!

2. Lose 30 pounds...
without diet or excercise!

3. "ValueMeal -- 30 percent more growth Hormones"